hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
