why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
