you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
