Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
