New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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