do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
