if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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