nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
