pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
What drink are we having for lunch?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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