On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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