I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
