Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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