you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
should my penis look like a turkey
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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