eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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