I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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