Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
