she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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