I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
