can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
