I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
