The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
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