Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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