Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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