Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize