allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
