after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
