So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
