I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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