he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
