i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
