they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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