In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Randomize
