4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
