whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize