she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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