I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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