probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize