theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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