Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
