you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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