I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
