My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
