Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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