Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
