i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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