Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
