You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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