I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize