This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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