I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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