seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
