I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
