I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
