My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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