y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
