I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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