It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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