Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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