he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
