I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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