she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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