Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Small penises have feelings too.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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