I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
