I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
