Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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