i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize