Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
