I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
